Greetings–
We all know that the decades-belated “Green Revolution” is spawning some bizarre and maybe really wasteful shit. Here’s a great one: the Green Toilet™. It will spectrographically analyze the contents of the bowl to decide when and how much to flush!
If it’s just pee, it notes the degree of coloration from clear, with adjustments for water hardness and the presence of Tidy Bowl™. Past a certain point of potential odor production, it will flush with a greater or lesser volume of water. Size of the enclosure and degree of ventilation may also be considered. Of course, it will always flush for poop; I won’t go into details about volume adjustments for all the varieties of stuff we may dump– one must always be at least a bit demure! Turd-Blossoms, however, will prompt a 911 call to the local Hazmat Team.
One may program it for aggregate degree of fastidiousness with regard to toilet paper usage in the household; it is strongly recommended that one cease the use of patterned, colored or quilted TP, as this could lead to excessive waste of water. Adjustment may be made, though, for non-bleached paper; some models will be programmed to play Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi”; if you can’t catch that one, go smoke a joint with your grandmother.
One limitation, however: this toilet should not be installed in households that hold keggers or indulge in excessive consumption of tequila; after all, we must spare our fragile waterways so the salmon won’t swim sideways.
Greenly yours [and let's give Bush a whirly!]
Bill
Tags: Environment, green, humor, Politics, Rove